as much as this is an exciting time, and i’ve asked people whether a state of pure mania can exist for a sustained period of 3 months…is that a disorder?…the fact that sleeping 4/5 hours not even solidly for a few months is normal and somehow i wake up, go and sweat my heart out at yoga/cycle (not to mention have some instructor push me much harder than i ever would push myself) and come home to go to sleep at maybe 6:45 am, don’t go to sleep and then start working at 8 am and kill that work thing until about 3/4 pm at which time i immediately depart for a walk to get some fresh air and move about in the sometimes biting cold…slap myself awake a bit, the last two days have kinda progressed into a cluster bomb of emotion.  as much as this is an exciting time to get your sweet thing going, a time where hibernation starts, cuddling begins (yeah, roommate love), this is also a highly volatile time.  things are coming together and other things, are falling apart and this year/month/two weeks has been a time of consistent and ever changing, well, change.  and as i tend to do, i have pushed myself so hard that i’m becoming a bit unhinged.  my emails are becoming a little too incoherent.  i’ve already stopped capitalizing emails to my boss (who btw, trades emails with me at 4/5 am since we’re both insane in the same way).  the last well, i don’t remember the last day where life wasn’t insane running at speed 1000 in a 10 mph zone and tripping over myself, but the last two days, for lack of a better word, have really bit me in the ass.  and as much as i have toned down my multitasking to single task there aren’t enough hours in the day to get done what i need to get done.  and this is all to say that this has lead me to the moment in which i almost started bawling at a starbucks–a starbucks inside a safeway, nonetheless– since i ventured to this side of town trying to find my roommates car to drive to lunch with a guy from college who i contacted 6 months after moving here to talk about lapadula’s film class and how he continued to work in film, let alone in seattle, 7 years later and now was engaged to the gal he had been dating forever and how did that happen (tell me how to have a lasting relationship, dear sir), and i missed the lunch because mercer street was not two blocks away but really 15 blocks away and my phone died and i got another email from a friend telling me i sucked and was a little too incoherent, particularly over email, and this all built up to the moment at starbucks where i started basically crying while putting together a playlist that my grandpa mentioned as his world time favorite songs while having my mother coordinate and write his obituary (which is not in her words because he has 6 pages of information he wants mentioned about himself including that “memory” is his favorite song).  i had put this list into a spotify list maybe a week ago and then forgot to download spotify on my new computer (yay work computer!)  i then thought “what songs remind me of pops?”  “what did i listen to last time i was at his house and he fell asleep to volume 2000” and “ava maria” lead me to andrea bocelli which lead me to “time to say goodbye.”  and that’s the moment where i lost my shit in the starbucks (that’s in the safeway) and remembered my grandmother dying and pops driving around dolphin drive for an hour on new years eve (a holiday in which i always went to dinner with my grandmother, pops (i.e. my grandpa), and sister) and that pace of going 10 mph in circles from calypso drive to via medici to sumner ave to calypso drive to via medici and i, too, lost my shit in the back of the car while we all silently cried in his bright blue buick.  anyway, for all those out there who are losing their cool, i just wanted to say you’re not alone.  and let’s continue to look ahead.  keep on trekking.  

 
as don o’neill says, i’m rolling at a 65, gear 12, where are you?
 
and for now, i will continue to listen to all 27 versions of time to say goodbye http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbN0g8-zbdY probably will cry by the time this is posted.  
 
oh hey, how’s that for irony i just got an email called “saying goodbye?”
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